The BAngel 12 Days of Christmas
by mmooch
Summary: While he's gone, Angel sends presents to Buffy. Does not end in a happy 'ship!


**The BAngel 12 Days of Christmas**

Summary: While he's gone, Angel sends presents to Buffy. Does not end in a happy 'ship!

Challenge: saw something similar at a Christmas Eve dinner party and thought it was a hoot.

Timeline: AU season 3 Christmastime.

Warning: not for 'happily ever after' BAngel fans. Bad words coming.

A/N: Two big canon changes here. First, Angel left with the Judge's arm. Second, Joyce died shortly afterwards; don't know how, don't really care. The important thing is that Buffy lives alone! Oh, and the song isn't currently popular, so there's no reason Buffy should be able to guess what's coming next.

Thanks to my betas: none this time.

Disclaimer: BtVS and AtS characters belong to Joss Whedon / Mutant Enemy. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission. Not sure where the original version of this came from, but I don't own it.

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><p>Buffy Summers<p>

1630 Revello Drive

Sunnydale, California

December 14, 1998

My Dearest Angel,

While obviously the _best_ Christmas present I could receive is to have you come back, I understand – unhappily – that saving people is more important. Still, I'm counting the days. The Partridge in a Pear Tree that you sent is a sweet reminder that you haven't forgotten about me. Is there some special significance to it?

Yours always,

_Buffy XOXOXO_

* * *

><p>Buffy Summers<p>

1630 Revello Drive

Sunnydale, California

December 15, 1998

My Dearest Angel,

Two Turtle Doves? I love them and hope that they mean what I think they mean (That we are a pair of lovebirds too). It was such a thoughtful and silly present. Thank you.

All my love,

_Buffy XOXOXO_

* * *

><p>Buffy Summers<p>

1630 Revello Drive

Sunnydale, California

December 16, 1998

Dear Angel,

Wow, all these prezzies for me! Now there's Three French Hens. You've done enough, though. I don't deserve all these wonderful gifts.

Love,

_Buffy XOXO_

* * *

><p>Buffy Summers<p>

1630 Revello Drive

Sunnydale, California

December 17, 1998

Dear Angel,

The UPS guy brought me Four Calling Birds – or that's what Giles said they were. They are beautiful, but I hope you aren't sending any more birds. It's getting crowded in the living room with all the birdcages.

Affectionately,

_Buffy_

* * *

><p>Buffy Summers<p>

1630 Revello Drive

Sunnydale, California

December 18, 1998

My Dearest Angel,

Now you're talking! Jewelry is a girl's best friend. And sending me Five Golden Rings? You're the best boyfriend a girl could have! Thank goodness you've stopped with the birds; they were driving me nuts.

All my love,

_Buffy XOXOXO_

* * *

><p>Buffy Summers<p>

1630 Revello Drive

Sunnydale, California

December 19, 1998

Dear Angel,

Birds again? I guess it's a good thing that Oz got loose and made a meal of all the previous birds. The eggs we got from the Six Geese A-Laying were delicious and very filling. The geese are very loud and the neighbors are complaining now. Please stop sending birds.

Cordially,

_Buffy_

* * *

><p>Buffy Summers<p>

1630 Revello Drive

Sunnydale, California

December 20, 1998

Angel,

What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans A-Swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night, and I'm nervous wreck. When I patrol, I'm all twitchy – especially if I hear a bird – and Giles is threatening to track you down and stake you. It's not funny, so stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely,

_Buffy _

* * *

><p>Buffy Summers<p>

1630 Revello Drive

Sunnydale, California

December 21, 1998

Okay Buster:

Why couldn't you have stuck with jewelry? And why the hell would you send me Eight Maids A-Milking? It's very disturbing that you would send me people, much less lactating females. What am I supposed to do with them? Do you hate me or something? Knock it off!

_Buffy _

* * *

><p>Buffy Summers<p>

1630 Revello Drive

Sunnydale, California

December 22, 1998

Hey Shithead:

You are one twisted freak and I'm glad we never did anything except some kissing – and I'm seriously regretting even that. Those Nine Pipers Piping are horny assholes who won't leave the nursemaids alone. The neighbors think I've started a brothel and are trying to get me evicted.

You'll get yours,

_Buffy _

* * *

><p>Buffy Summers<p>

1630 Revello Drive

Sunnydale, California

December 23, 1998

You Rotten Prick:

When I complained about the Pipers not leaving the Maids alone, that wasn't a hint to send strippers here. The note said Ten Ladies Dancing, but these sluts are glorified hookers. Guys I don't know are coming to the house to have a turn with them. And nobody seems to understand the basics of cleaning so there are fluids *shudder* all over the place.

If I ever see you again, I'm tying you out and leaving you out for the sun.

Your sworn enemy,

_Buffy_

* * *

><p>Buffy Summers<p>

1630 Revello Drive

Sunnydale, California

December 24, 1998

Listen Fuckhead:

I hate you! So what if the Eleven Lords A-Leaping aren't interested in having sex with the Maids or Ladies; they are trying to screw the Pipers and any other guys that come into the house. The house is about to be condemned. I hope you're satisfied, you evil monster!

Your death if I see you,

_The Slayer_

* * *

><p>Law Offices of<p>

Wine, Badger & Cajole

7289 Trumble Way, Ste. 207

Los Angeles, California

December 26, 1998

Dear Sir;

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you sent to our client, Miss Buffy Anne Summers. The destruction to her home and to her sanity was total. From this point on, any correspondence should come to our offices. If you attempt to visit her at the Sanitarium, the attendants have permission to contact Miss Summers' guardian, Mr. Rupert Giles, and he said to tell you, "You'll learn why I was called 'Ripper', you bastard!" Enclosed with this letter is a restraining order which calls for an immediate cease and desist of all future presents.

Sincerely,

_Maik U. Wine_

Wine, Badger & Cajole

* * *

><p>AN: This is just meant to be a crackfic, people, so please no complaints about how Buffy and Angel are supposed to be 4EVR!

**Happy Holidays to All!**


End file.
